For anyone who gazes upon this, I write this as a humbled man here to confess my sins. Over the past two years, I have been cheating on my significant other, and I come before you to tell my story. It all began when I was in my twenties, and much like any other tech noob, I was a wet-behind-the-ears little punk jumping from flip phone to flip phone. Never a clue, nor understanding of where I was going, or what the future held. But then I meet “her”, Android, and my life was forever changed.
It was a cold winter’s night in 2010, when I came upon her, and like any gorgeous woman, she stole my heart from the onset. We met at Club Cliq, located at the corner of Motorola and Qwerty. Now, I had frequented this joint for sometime; hell, I remember when it used to be called Club Razr, but the owners decided to upgrade, and the name change came along. However, this was far from the old days, as this was the night my life would be different going forward. I strolled in like a boss, with my game in full effect, checking out the honeys. Everyone who was anyone was there that night! Droid X was pulling mad girls, as he was the “big boy” of that day, and the crowd was hyped as DJ Atrix was layin’ down some serious tracks. And that’s when it happened. I could see her standing in the corner, those luscious Apps and silky performance, just beckoning me. I walked up to her and gave her my best lines, and she was digging it. Anyone could see she was totally into me, and right off the bat she let me know I wasn’t just any guy. After a few minutes of talking, she looked me in my eyes and said, “Please call me Cupcake, all my friends do.” Right then I knew love was on the horizon. We ditched that joint, as she was about to take me on a ride across a world previously unknown to me.
Shortly after leaving Club Cliq, Android took me to this fancy place called The Samsung Spot. Hours passed as we sat and drank, but after awhile she looked to me and said, “This place is a little cartoonish and the drinks are way too saturated, wanna go someplace else?” And like any guy falling head-over-heels, I gazed at her with admiration and said, “Wherever is fine with me, as long as I’m with you!” We enjoyed each others company until the sun finally came up. It was then she turned to me and whispered, “I like you. Any chance we can do this again?” My heart fluttered and I could barely hold myself back when I blurted, “I don’t want this to end…wanna go back to my place?” She stared at me for a moment, finally bringing herself to say, “I would love to.”
From then on we were inseparable, with people saying we were attached at the hip (thanks to my belt clip). The days went by too fast but our love kept growing. We matriculated from the beloved Cupcake days to the period I like to refer to as the Kit-Kat years. It seems like yesterday, when I marveled at her wearing this beautiful Nexus 5 outfit from the fabulous designer, L.G. It was so gorgeous, and made me fall in love with her all over again. Truly, we had the beginnings of a beautiful life together. She knew she was my one and only.
But as time went on, Android began to make me feel like I was secondary, and that’s when our love began to fade. She was going through a lot, I could tell, as we endured her whole “Material Design” phase. It was hard for me, because the Kit-Kat girl I was madly in love with was losing her identity. No longer the dark, mysterious girl I pined for, she was becoming more mainstream, more light-themed, like she wanted to be the girl everyone else wanted. Things were changing for the worse, I wasn’t sure if they would ever go back to the way they were.
A few months went by and things were reaching their breaking point, and that’s when I bumped into her at the local electronics store, and by her I mean temptation. Normally, a plastic-like girl such as her would not appeal to me, but remember, I was a lonely man. She came up to me and said, “Hey, my name is Windows, but you can call me Denim.” I started to tell her my named, but she stopped me and replied, “I know who you are!” We casually talked for a few moments, but I found myself becoming more and more intoxicated by her lure. Oh, and she was smart, she was like a computer as she had so much pertinent information ready at a glance. She was so seductive and already had me in her web. I left that day without her, but I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She had sown the seeds of seduction and I was ready to partake in its forbidden fruit.
Three months later, I came back to that store, hoping I would see her again. Sure enough, she was there, waiting for me. She gazed at me and uttered, “I knew you’d come back.” Like a nervous schoolboy, I tried to form words, but nothing came out. Finally, I was able to say, “Windows, you know I’m in a committed relationship with Android, but I can’t stop thinking about you.” She replied, “I know…so this is our little secret!” It was that day I was to succumb to desire, as we began our secret affair. I felt bad juggling two women like this, but Windows expressed she would eventually make me forget about Android. The days turned to months, as our tawdry affair continued. This vivacious vixen was so devious she would make me call her Cortana. And sometimes, when we were alone, I would ask her, “So, Cortana…Who’s your daddy?” to which she would coyly reply, “Technically, Bill Gates is my father…”, but I knew the truth! Eventually, as is the case, Android walked in as Windows and I were texting, in the very house we made. It was a dramatic day, but the charade needed to be brought to light.
Android was understandably hurt and I tried to console her by stating it meant nothing. But the damage was done! Weeks went on and we barely spoke, until she said we needed counseling, but things could never go back to the old days. Dr. Brownlee of the MKBHD Clinic attempted to repair our union by trying to rekindle what first bonded us, but she was different, I was different, we were different. He kept reminding us things will get better, and that we’ll be able to multi-task in the “new version” of our lives, he so appropriately dubbed the “N” years; for “new” beginnings. I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Windows; I was hooked! I couldn’t wait for the day I could wrap my hands around her. It’s wrong, I know, but desire knows no limit.
Funny and pun-laced story aside, as a reviewer, I am blessed to evaluate some great devices across the Android, iOS, and Windows platforms. In 2014, I was presented the opportunity to review the Nokia Lumia 635, and it was far better than I expected, given its budget price tag! Was it the most premium feeling phone? NO! Was it the fastest phone I ever used? NO. Did it have the best Apps Store? Heck NO! But up to that point I had never used a Windows device, and let me tell you, I was thoroughly impressed. It was the simple things like a very user friendly keyboard, integration with components on my windows-based desktop, and the overall fluidity of the OS, that captivated me. After talking to a fellow reviewer, he advised me these, and other features, are just as enticing on higher-end offerings. Then, last year, I reviewed the Microsoft Lumia 640, 640 XL, and 950 XL. Although, there were significant bugs with Windows 10, I saw lots of promise for the platform, and I loved using Windows 8.1. Many reviewers assert Windows is dead, but I think the last few years have shown a re-dedication to make Windows a significant force in the mobile world. Don’t get me wrong, I love how interactive and user-friendly Android is, but I could see myself ditching my Nexus devices and OnePlus Two for a high-end Lumia devices one day. If you haven’t tried one, just buy one of the cheaper Windows phones, like the 640 or the new 650 and see what you think. You might be surprised and begin a sinful affair with Windows. But don’t worry, I won’t tell your current OS.
JA3Tech 